"i am free to be who i really am... no pretenses, no broken promises, no fear... just a life packed with hopelessness and unattainable dreams, 'cause im just livin' like i shld... my life..." everyone has hopes and dreams but dun they know that hope is the denial of reality and that dreams will forever be just dreams?
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Yesterday's memories
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Sunday, May 18, 2008
[180508] all i have are faded memories
it always surprises me how tender the wound still is after so much time have passed, the reading of old posts did nothing to lighten the heaviness felt but only seemed to press even more weight on an already weary soul. it's still pretty sore, silently throbbing whenever my mind wanders or drifts when not occupied by other pressing matters in my everyday life. im tired, weary and sad all at once.
it seems as though im living a life alone with friends & family if you can understand the irony of it. it's partly due to my current predicament being in NS and working at the same time barely leaving enough time for myself let alone friends or other social activities, and also partly due to my ever increasingly solitary lifestyle that i seemed to have embarked on. friends are always occupied it seems or they always seem to me. now i dont even bother calling or messaging ppl out, with the same notion that they're busy. too much trouble it seems to me these days, just getting somebody to go out with or watch a movie. so much easier to co-ordinate things to do when you're by yourself.
i like the freedom of being able to do what i want, where i want and when i want and yet crave companionship at the same time, having a good laugh with friends, movie watching, hanging and chillin' out. an odd ball of contradictions. i cant seem to make up my mind at times and in such instances, keeping to myself seem to be a more inviting and feasible solution though i feel sorry for myself at times.
silence & solitude.
my life these days.
still troubled by what to do after my NS stint, i am scared to hell over what i want in my future. a cushy job? a financially rewarding job? a satisfying job? i have no ideas and while i am excited about the dwindling days i have left in CD, i dread and fear what i must and need to do in the coming months and years. i think i have a vague idea of what i want to do, problem is that i dont see a definite future behind the first few years and i worry excessively if i would struggle along in life destined to be one of those who tried to bear the burden of life's expectations only to fall along the side and get left behind abandoned and forgotten. if only life was simpler and your life came with an instructional manual and brochure, that would make things so much easier.
it always surprises me how tender the wound still is after so much time have passed, the reading of old posts did nothing to lighten the heaviness felt but only seemed to press even more weight on an already weary soul. it's still pretty sore, silently throbbing whenever my mind wanders or drifts when not occupied by other pressing matters in my everyday life. im tired, weary and sad all at once.
it seems as though im living a life alone with friends & family if you can understand the irony of it. it's partly due to my current predicament being in NS and working at the same time barely leaving enough time for myself let alone friends or other social activities, and also partly due to my ever increasingly solitary lifestyle that i seemed to have embarked on. friends are always occupied it seems or they always seem to me. now i dont even bother calling or messaging ppl out, with the same notion that they're busy. too much trouble it seems to me these days, just getting somebody to go out with or watch a movie. so much easier to co-ordinate things to do when you're by yourself.
i like the freedom of being able to do what i want, where i want and when i want and yet crave companionship at the same time, having a good laugh with friends, movie watching, hanging and chillin' out. an odd ball of contradictions. i cant seem to make up my mind at times and in such instances, keeping to myself seem to be a more inviting and feasible solution though i feel sorry for myself at times.
silence & solitude.
my life these days.
still troubled by what to do after my NS stint, i am scared to hell over what i want in my future. a cushy job? a financially rewarding job? a satisfying job? i have no ideas and while i am excited about the dwindling days i have left in CD, i dread and fear what i must and need to do in the coming months and years. i think i have a vague idea of what i want to do, problem is that i dont see a definite future behind the first few years and i worry excessively if i would struggle along in life destined to be one of those who tried to bear the burden of life's expectations only to fall along the side and get left behind abandoned and forgotten. if only life was simpler and your life came with an instructional manual and brochure, that would make things so much easier.